But for now, I simply realized that she was right: How was I so open to making such a leap without really examining belief system inside and out? Torah Umadda? You should read it. Chabad yeshiva, moving to Crown Heights, questioning it all but sticking to it. This friend has been in touch with me about my writing. He has been inspired by the struggle I had been addressing regarding science and Judaism. On that has led me to a larger change than I expected, one that completely shifted the paradigm by which I approached my beliefs.
A Few Days Later
In one short year, I have found myself publicly disagreeing with people and leaders in the Jewish world who I have never expected to in the past. And, perhaps most importantly, I found myself encouraging others to deeply examine their Jewish beliefs as I had.
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I had seen the dark road that ignoring our subconscious doubts can take us down. He sees you going from solid belief to a more porous one. So he thinks the next step is to leave Judaism. This belief of mine feels more real, alive, and logical than it ever had. But there is something in what this rabbi said to my friend that sticks inside me. There is no story other than my subconscious suddenly talking to me consciously.
There are so many ingredients that lead to our subconscious finally speaking to us. What matters more is that we listen. It was a whisper when it came out, but it hit me like a storm. As true a statement as I had ever heard from myself. My mind immediately drifted to a passage I had read in Torah Umadda , one that had left an indelible mark on my vision of Judaism since the moment it inhabited my thoughts.
But they both shared something very essential, he tells us:. Tension is an indispensable concomitant of the interface between two disparate cultures of any variety. Anxiety and doubt and perplexity are necessary side-reactions of the encounter. Many religious casualties have already resulted from this historic program of Torah Umadda, and there are more yet to come. No words in any book have expressed my experience over the last two years more accurately.
But what moves me now, as I reread the words, is not so much their description of my current state, but the way they freed me from my inner shackles when I first read them two years ago. I have permission. Permission to not believe. Terrified that I would lose my religion… it scared me so much to even think of it. Because examining it might lead to me discovering that I was right… that my religion was false… that I had been fooled all this time. She has been with her partner, Susan, for a decade, and the couple married in April. Susan converted to Judaism before she met Lax; the couple now belongs to the Reform synagogue where Susan began her Jewish journey.
Despite her educational evolution, Brown, who considers herself modern Orthodox, is quick to point out that her story is not about leaving observant Judaism.
By Judy Bolton-Fasman August 9, pm. Recommended from JTA. United States. By Ben Sales November 18, pm. You might even get more support from him than you imagined. New support group created called secretOTD. Join, spread the word secretly ; and contribute! I am going through same thing. I am glad that i am not alone. Must be tayva right? The only reason a frum person will give for others not acting strictly frum.
Thanks for sharing. Practically, Taharat Hamishpacha is very emotionally and physically difficult, as you know. If your husband and perhaps rabbi are okay with it, you may wish to consider implementing the pill for much longer than a month at a time. Yup, right there with you although completely transparent with my spouse. I made more radical choices like stopping to cover my hair completely and no longer going to the mikvah but other than that, I consider myself in the Modern Orthodox closet.
You and the rest of us, sister. We all have the same secret. There would be a lot less lonely women if we did. You are not alone. I wonder how many more are out there… As an aside, it is perfectly within halacha not to cover your hair in your own house even in front of two unrelated males. You might also consider 3 month pill or iud to get that break from the mikvah.
Thank you so much for sharing and describing your experience so eloquently.
Off the path: Ex-Hasid memoirs shine a spotlight on Faigy Mayer’s world
Mine is very similar. I wish there could be some kind of support group for us. Even reading your article and the comments i still feel alone in this lifestyle. Maybe someday…. Support group for all of us is so urgent! Why shud we all struggle alone in the same things. We can create it on reddit, since reddit is anonymous but still well organized.
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What she we call it? The problem with the facebook group is that your friends can see that you are in it. So if you are still in the closet, it kinda giving yourself away. Aside from that, it hurst me that there are some women suggesting you go on the pill to avoid keeping TH. The obvious thing is to change the way we observe TH so that is not painful to women, not to encourage women to mess with their bodies to avoid TH.
This article is very honest, brace and vulnerable. Most of these comments seem to be authored by women. I saw this article on FB, and just wanted to nod my head in anonymous agreement. I still lain and lead tefillot as a chazzan when asked to.
I Might Go Off The Derech
But lying to him about not being able to do a bedika, spotting, etc, just seems horribly toxic to your relationship. I truly feel bad for both you and him. I strongly encourage you to consider talking to him about it. Maybe he feels the exact same way — the extended niddah times may have worn down his resolve.
And please take the comments about the 3-month pill with a grain of salt — both pro and con. And a quarterly break and mikvah trip is a lot more tolerable for both of you than monthly trips or your bi-monthly trips laced with lies and deceit. Being realistic here: Nobody is changing TH laws anytime soon, so either your observance of the laws will fade, or you will adapt within the confines of the accepted halacha.
How you adapt is up to each individual. Speaking of, early on I made it clear that no rabbi will tell me when to have babies. Even though I keep most things I feel like the pressure of doing things perfect is off, and I can even enjoy the spiritual aspect more. I feel the same way in many respects. After fully covering my hair for I always hated it and relied on the trustworthiness of the Rabbis who said I had to.
But then the trust was destroyed. As for TH, the pill is a great way to put it on hold- going to the mikvah every other month gives you a break of 1. And, during that time you can be with your husband. I converted very sincerely to Judaism before my marriage and lived contentedly for a couple of decades. The problem was, that the more I actually learned theologically, the less I believed! For a few more years I eked out an existence, partially by drinking a lot, but also because I loved a lot about the lifestyle Shabbos, etc.
I think they just accept that as an older woman now, I live my life as I please. I stopped drinking almost 5 years ago. Live your truth…. Sometimes staying is fine, as long as you are not drinking or binging or doing anything else that is unhealthy. There is a 15 minutes medical procedure called an ablasion that will stop u from ever getting your period and will never render you in niddah.
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